dishwasher chicken…?!

I’ve shared my food blog with a few of my friends and it inspired one to try a new form of cooking… and he even asked to be featured!  I’m more than thrilled to feature this post on my blog.  Here it is, folks.  Dishwasher Poached Chicken submitted by Ian.


Have you ever wondered how you can achieve that amazing canned chicken texture and flavor out of an ordinary chicken breast in your very own home?  Well ponder no more, cause all you need to achieve such a delicacy at home is a dishwasher and a boneless chicken breast.
Through my many boring, mundane, and unbearable days in the office, I managed to stumble upon a section of Lifehacker called The MacGyver Chef.  The MacGyver Chef enlightens the audience on how to cook simple home meals in unorthodox ways.  For my personal foray into this masterful art of cooking, I decided to adapt the Dishwasher Poached Salmon recipe in order to create my very own Dishwasher Poached Chicken Breast  (since I had no salmon to defile offhand).
First things first, the ingredients.  I used the following to create my entire meal:

1 boneless chicken breast
2 Tablespoons butter
1/4 Teaspoon black pepper
1 pinch of salt
I slice Swiss cheese
2 slices whole wheat bread

I started off by defrosting the chicken breast and then slicing it into roughly 1-inch thick strips.  (this makes it a lot safer to cook in the dishwasher since I wanted to make sure that I didn’t consume raw chicken,)  Next I lied out the strips of chicken in the middle of the sheet of foil, and sprinkled them with the salt and pepper, and then dropped the two tablespoons of butter on top.  After you season the chicken you need to fold up the foil to make a water tight pouch.  This will help keep the integrity and flavor of the chicken inside the pouch and the boiling jets of water out.  I put the pouch with the chicken on the top rack of the dishwasher.  I did not though add detergent.  I figured that since this was my first attempt at such a delicate cooking method, I would leave the extra detergent seasoning out until the next time I decided to attempt cooking food in this manner.  Anyway, I also set my dishwasher to the hottest temp setting, set it on normal wash, shut the door and left to work out in order to build up my appetite.

While I was gone the dishwasher went through the entire wash cycle and also the drying period.  Both are essential since you need the hot air and steam in the dishwasher to continue cooking your food until its done.  Finally it was time to see the fruits of my labor and sample my cuisine.  The chicken breast had cooked thoroughly and instantly I noticed that because it was in a moist pouch, all of the chicken juices had congealed to a nice white gelatin on top of each strip.  I found this quite disgusting so I scraped it off, if you on the other hand salivate at the sight of chicken scum then by all means feel free to keep it in a side dish as a bonus gravy.  I read that Dishwasher Poached Chicken Breast is paired quite well with toast.  I with my culinary genius decided to create a sandwich to pair both easier.  I toasted both pieces of bread, arranged the strips on one slice of toast, lied down a slice of Swiss, and then tossed it under the broiler to melt the cheese.  After the cheese was melted, I topped off my sandwich with the other slice of bread and sat down to enjoy my meal cooked in a method attempted by the worlds greatest chefs.
When you bite into the chicken the first quality you notice is the texture.  To me, I thought the texture seemed very familiar but yet I couldn’t place it.  When I looked down at my sandwich I saw that the chicken had turned a nice pinkish color, similar to the pinkish color that you would see in canned tuna.  That is when I had an epiphany and realized that I, on my very own, had found a way to create exactly what comes out of those cans of chunk chicken breast in my home.  I was ecstatic.  FINALLY!!! I have solved the mystery as to why canned chicken never really looks like any kind of normal cooked chicken breast, and also never tastes like any kind of real chicken breast.  Apparently the only way to can chicken is to cook it in a dishwasher first and then shove the gelatinous mess that was once perfectly good meat into a metal can to be shipped off for the sole use of making chicken salad.  As a whole though my sandwich tasted no worse or no better than anything out of a can, thrown on toast, and topped with melted cheese.  I also decided to pair my chicken sandwich with a very classy bottle of $4.99 chardonnay.  The only way I can think to sum up the wine is to say that it had notes of apple juice mixed with stale urine.  Quite an exquisite meal if I do say so myself.
Will I ever attempt to cook food again in my dishwasher?  Only to demonstrate to other people that yes a human can cook something in a dishwasher, and yes it can be edible.  Other than that, I will leave my food to be cooked the old and 3rd world way; on a stove, in an oven, on a grill, or thrown into fire until charred and has taken on the flavors of charcoal and burnt flesh.  Enjoy.

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